Saturday, 11 October 2014

Stifled.

Isn’t it always the way that when you’ve got so many exciting things to write about, you’re so busy experiencing them that you don’t have the time to write? That’s been the way in my life for a few weeks now, and I make no apology for it. This blog is neglected, the diary I vowed to start was abandoned after a few lines. Those are things I can catch up on. Right now I’m going to concentrate on living this mess I’m caught up in, a mess of new experiences, new faces, names, knowledge, emotions, responsibility and opportunity. Don’t get me wrong: it’s a good mess. A wonderful mess.
Sometimes, being part of a mess can be freeing.

Along with my fellow Freshers, I’ve been dealing with a whole new way of life. I’ve left behind the good and the bad and encountered both the wonderful and the problematic about my new semi-adult status. While some weight has been added to my shoulders as I deal with something that can at times be totally overwhelming, I’ve also noticed that a second weight has been lifted off.

I don’t think I’d quite realised before what it meant to be stifled… it’s something you only notice when it’s gone. Life at Uni (admittedly only three weeks in) seems so much less stifling.  Everything is so new…I am so new, that I find myself sharing things that I would have ordinarily been embarrassed by, and not especially worrying about the reaction I’ll get. I’ve learned that the more ready you are to share your opinion (as long as it’s not too opinion-y) or personality, the more likely you are to come across someone who you’ll really click with. People have so many different sides that if you hide a part of you, you might never find it mirrored in someone else.

Of course, it could all go horribly wrong. In fact, I’m sure it has. I’m sure that some people have heard my thoughts and feelings or something about the way I live my life and thought, “she’s not for me!”

After all, I’ve had that thought about a few people.

But it doesn’t matter. There’s so much diversity, the sheer number of people to make friends with… There will be someone, somewhere with similar views. Or at least someone who’s ready to understand.

I think it’s a combination of being in a new environment as well as simply growing up and caring less that makes me feel so free. I’m no longer that teenager who is embarrassed about everything and anything, all the time.

I’m not an adult yet either.

I’m just me. A less stifled version of me.

Not only has this helped other people get to know me, it’s helped me get to know myself. When you’re no longer worrying about what you should be doing/thinking/feeling, you often find yourself doing/thinking/feeling a lot differently. This year, among other things, I want to explore my faith. I’m fairly certain I believe in God. I’m fairly certain I’m a Christian. The rest is all a little unclear. I won’t go into it all in what’s turned out to be quite a lengthy post, but having that freedom to explore, having that freedom to say “Actually, I’m quite interested in this”, without worrying that people will automatically assume I’m an idiot… it’s nice, that’s all.

It can be hard, living in an environment where so many people have so many strong opinions, but I’m managing to keep hold of the part of myself that likes to listen, likes to explore, likes to learn. I’ve always said it’s not necessary to have an opinion about everything, and I’m enjoying sitting quietly and hearing to what other people have to say… and then often deciding that I don’t agree with them at all, or sometimes realising I’d never seen things from that angle before.  

Apologies if this hasn’t made sense, or if you haven’t enjoyed the read. I’m a little rusty as you can tell. My next blog posts will be fully planned out and totally coherent—well, sort of. This is just an update on who I am and where I’m at, and how I’m feeling.


I hope you’re all enjoying whatever October is throwing at you. I’ll be back soon—I’ve missed you this!




Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Happy

Wow.

Wow.

So, apologies for not updating the Blog in a while, even though it’s all shiny and new and needs all the help it can get to lift it off the ground… but I’ve got a very good excuse, and if you can’t accept it then you don’t understand what it means to be me, so anything I post won’t be of interest to you anyway.

I’ve been busy enjoying something that I’ve worked to achieve for years. I’m currently in the East of England studying for a degree in Literature and History, just like I’ve wanted for what feels like forever. I say studying—I’ve only had lectures since Monday. Most of the past fortnight has been a blur, and yet we all somehow feel like we’ve been here forever. It’s difficult to wrap my head round it all.

I’m going to do a proper update, I promise, but for now I just want to assure those of you who are interested that I am totally and incredibly happy. The past year of my life was a little bit of a nightmare and even when the nightmare ended, it would still gnaw at me every time a memory entered my mind. Now, I barely even think about it, and when I do, I just get this wonderful wave of relief that it’s all over. I feel like someone has given me—like I’ve given myself—the opportunity for a whole new start.

I tried to do the whole “fresh start” thing at the end of last year, as you may have read, but I learned that it’s not entirely your own decision to get a fresh start. Yes, you need to decide to take that opportunity, but sometimes it also takes a change of scenery, some new friends, or maybe just growing that little bit older and—hopefully—wiser.

I’m going to use this new beginning as I tried to use the last one—to focus a bit more on myself and what I think and feel, and I’ll talk about that in a further post once I settle back into a routine!

But for now, I’m going to have a cup of tea and some Nurofen. Having fun is hard.


In the meantime, here’s me dressed up as a zebra.